Day 5

Day 5 write what you know

Dear voice where to even begin?

I know many things yet the one thing I am certain is that I know nothing simply because I have so much to learn. Even the things I thought I knew I learn something new and exciting about it as I deepen my experience with it. Today I did a have another lazy day. Yet I push myself to write this. Not because I have to, but I got to. It’s something I need to do in order to work towards a better and brighter tomorrow. The one thing I know in myself is that I want to experience life, and yet I want to remember it all too. So writing things down is so vital for me. So the kind of things I know that I could share with you?

Well for one my own story. As a story teller I think the strongest ones are the most personal. Starting off I have a great life. Yet the other day I pondered on the option of ending it. “wait as I scratch my ear. Literally.” Ok it sounds silly, I am not doing my job of telling the story. Who knows it’s the best story I have so far.

Ending my life. What in the world happened to me to want to, or even consider this fate? Endings are new beginnings, and I wanted a new beginning. I’ve made many mistakes in the past. My relationships with my family and friends are not entirely active or involved as I would want. I think I’ve gotten back to square one in my self. I wanted to do so much and yet I decided to sit in my house all day and watch TV during my attempt in cleaning out my closet. That’s the hard thing, to clean your closet. Metaphorically it means to face things in the past or things about yourself both good and bad. As I look at a piece of clothing I see the emotions and the memories attached to this item and I have a hard time of facing it or letting it go. So the three massive piles of my tops, bottoms, and dresses patiently wait for me as I try to “get into the mode, the zone, the mood, the whatever you want to call it.” I want to live a simple life with love and clarity and surround myself with love and beauty. I am entirely blessed to have so much; this surplus of clothes just makes me so happy. I can literally own a fashion line, or a boutique with all the items I own. And I don’t’ just mean clothes, but jewelry, belts, shoes, scarves, you name it I may or may not have it. I love to share yet I find myself wanting to keep everything and yet give everything away and start anew. Facing my past by sorting through my closet may seem dramatic, but I think its just hard for me to say good bye. Period. But then I realized it should be a celebration, and thanksgiving for all the lessons and memories, the good ole days that inspired and developed who I am today. I probably won’t do my clothes right now simply because I want to share this story and get this off my chest.

I want to tell the story of my life so far. If I was directing my life story what moments would I highlight, which scenes in my life were so pivotal in where I am right now. I want a new beginning yet I am also afraid to end things. Stories should start in the middle of the action. In Media res, as they call it. They meaning literary and academicals people, I could blab on and on using the nice hefty jargon. It’s easy to use big words. But I’m one to choose the simple and sweet route on this storyline.

Right now, as we speak (July 10, 2016, Midnight) I’m writing in my bedroom surrounded by unfinished business. Physically I am surrounded by the bags and pillows from my closet form clearing it out, and in the room across my room holds my entire closet, my computer desk, books, papers, memorabilia, photos, cds, you name it the family/entertainment room has it.

Granted I feel like I am Ariel front eh little mermaid in her cave of treasures. She has it all but still she wants more. I want experiences, and love and most importantily taking a leap of faith into fulfilling my dreams. But I digress. You see I have so much in my life to be thankful for, but I think I may have taken it for granted. I just came back from a trip of a lifetime; a study abroad trips in Italy for 6 weeks with my school’s art department. The best place to study photography, art history, and drawing and painting. I did it all, and I enjoyed every second of it. Although there were some hard days I didn’t know where I would eat, so I would go street performing or busking so I could earn at least two euro and play the lotto. I haven’t won my bets back. I don’t think I will continue that vice. I wanted to try and see how I could literally feed myself with my music, it was tough the crowd was not always responsive, but I learned soooo much. Always go where your audience is. Go where you will be heard, and always know the sound levels around you, sing where the environment is supporting your voice.

Anyways in this trip I came with the intentions of “finding myself” in a way I think I really did, subconsciously, but at this point and time I can only tell you that my passion and purpose in life has to involved music. But as my routine stands I do not sing, I do not rehearse, warm up, or even try to practice songs or create new ones. Instead I found my self singing in almost empty churches and feeling this amazing warmth and love welling up inside my entire body as I sing. It’s the help of the acoustics, and my lack of a trained ear. I gave a great friend of mine a song, and she went into tears as she heard me sing. It was an enlightening experience; I knew I can do it. I remember my next door neighbor in the boarding house I stayed at, 3 days before my entire group came along. This man named luca wore a rolling stones shirt and underwear, and we still hung out talking about our dreams and what led us to Rome. He told me this idea that the Greeks believe. Each person has a daemon, which I literally thought meant Demon, based on what I heard, but context clues despite having a hard time speaking Italian, Luca was referring to this daemon as a guiding light from deep within that shows you the way you are able to fulfill your purpose. When I got back to the states he asked if I had found it. I said I did. In fact, I did find it, but I ned to work on listening to the daemon more intensely. That’s the thing, listening to the inner voice, it can be a challenge because as you try to listen to it, other voices come, my personal voices are based on my emotional self conscious persona. Pride, guilt, envy, and doubt. These voices become audible in my search of finding my true inner voice. One of the voices is personified by my mother after she said many things to me, some are so good I really needed to hear it but others can be heart clenching

I don’t know how or why but these voices have suddenly become my warden, my inhibitors.

I have this sense of love and respect, but my faux confidence is becoming weaker. I started to stop caring about the approval of others. But when it comes to my parents its another story.

Now I am extremely tired.

Talk more in the moving

I will contemplate on my storuy